Rosaline Dou
“I am so tired.”
“How are you?”
“Good, I’m just so tired.”
“I felt that.”
During the pandemic years, I was in long-distance schooling with a 12-hour time difference from normal school hours. Every night at 7:30PM, I log onto Zoom and attend classes until 4AM. I would go to sleep and usually wake up around 2PM. This went on for almost my entire senior year of high school. I never felt like I had recovered from this upside-down schedule.
I have reverted to a day-and-night schedule, but I’m still always tired. A typical day for me now is waking up and feeling groggy and sluggish all day long. Only at night, if a short energy spike kicks in, can I truly get into work mode.
I have tried a myriad of ways to “untiring” myself. My parents took me to see doctors, had me run blood tests, drink Chinese herbs, and take daily vitamin B12, vitamin D, and iron. As a slim female with no rosy complexion, the most frequent comment I get is, “Maybe you just need to eat more meat.” I tried to get myself moving by sticking to an exercise routine of Pilates, boxing, and tennis on a weekly basis. But a consistent, healthy routine did not solve my tiredness. Resting more doesn’t help either. No matter how long I rested, I could never call myself fully recovered.
I fought poison with poison, too. I regularly consume a mint called Neuro. Whenever I felt tired, I took a Neuro to replenish myself. Marketed as an energy and focus aid, Neuro mints are made with natural caffeine, L-theanine, and vitamins B12 and B6. It works. After taking it, I can feel a noticeable energy boost. My route down the functional rabbit hole goes on.
Anyhow, nothing truly “cures” my fatigue. Am I just a low-energy person? Should I accept that I will be a tired person for the rest of my life? It’s scary to think about. I am so tired from all the experiments to “untired” myself.
No dramatic twist. However, I was triggered by a battery pack at work. No matter how long I charge it, the battery levels always stay at 69%. This reminded me of what my dad told me when I got my first camera. He told me to always recharge the battery right after use. “Batteries have memories.” He said. If they are not fully charged after use, they will “remember” the partial charge, say 60%, and treat it as full. Even if the display shows 100%, the actual capacity is still compromised.
A stack of mints. | Charging battery packs. |
I feel like a battery that, despite not being fully charged, displays as “full.” Or, in a sense, I feel as though I have applied this very “recharging” logic to my day-to-day. I expend energy as if it were inexhaustible. I rest, I recover, the energy will return. But that’s not how it works.
I don’t know if I started to feel less tired after this realization. But I have come to accept that there is no such thing as the greatest revelation, only admitting to myself.